My business coach and wonderful mentor Ray Williams wrote this incredible piece on perfectionism. I didn't realise I was a perfectionist until reading this article, it's golden.

Perfectionism

If you've ever cried about getting a B+ or ending up in second place, there's a good chance you're a perfectionist.
As a culture, we tend to reward perfectionists for their insistence on setting high standards and relentless drive to meet those standards. And perfectionists frequently are high achievers — but the price they pay for success can be chronic unhappiness and dissatisfaction.
“Reaching for the stars, perfectionists may end up clutching at air,” psychologist David Burns warned in a 1980 Psychology Today essay. “[Perfectionists] are especially given to troubled relationships and mood disorders.”

• Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect and act perfect we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment and shame. It’s a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, its’ the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.
• Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect.
• Healthy striving is self-focused—Howccan I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused—What will they think?
• Understanding the difference betweenchealthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hamperscsuccess. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety , addictioncand life-paralysis. Life paralysis refers to all of the opportunities we      miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out in the world that couldcbe imperfect. It’s also all of the dreams that we don’t follow because ofcour deep fear of failing, making mistakes and disappointing others. It’s terrifying to risk when you’re a perfectionist; your self-worth is on the line.
• Perfectionism is self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.
• Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism more about perception—we want to be perceived as perfect. Again this is unattainable—there is no way to control perception regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying.
• Perfectionism is addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment and blame, we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough. So rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right.
• Feeling shame, judged and blame (and the fear of these feelings) are realities of the human experience. Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we’ll experience these painful emotions and often leads to self-blame: It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way becausec“I’m not good enough.”
• Perfectionism can also show up as being very judgmental of other people, being quick to criticize their faults, mistakes and performance. Or we compare ourselves to them, being quick to criticize ourselves because we feel we are not as good, or quick to see ourselves as superior to them.
• To overcome perfectionism, we need      to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities to the universal experiences of shame, judgment and blame; develop shame resilience, and practice self-compassion. When we become more loving and compassionate withcourselves and we begin to practice shame resilience, we can embrace our imperfections. It is in the process of embracing our imperfections that wecfind our truest gifts: courage, compassion, and connection.
• Perfectionism exists along a continuum. We all have some perfectionistic tendencies. For some they may only emerge when they’re feeling particularly vulnerable. For others they perfectionism can be compulsive, chronic and debilitating.
• You can deal with your perfectionism tendencies in a tender and honest way by talking gently about them without shame or fear. Second, you can be low to judge yourself and others. Come from a place of “we’re all doing the best we can.” Be compassionate and self compassionate.

 
Perfectionism doesn't have to reach Black Swan levels to wreak havoc on your life and health. Even casual perfectionists (who may not think of themselves as perfectionists at all) can experience the negative side-effects of their personal demand for excellence. Here are 14 signs that perfectionism could actually be holding you back — and simple ways to start letting go.
1. You've always been eager to please. Perfectionism often starts in childhood. At a young age, we're told to reach for the stars — parents and teachers encourage their children to become high achievers and give them gold stars for work well done (and in some cases, punishing them for failing to measure up). Perfectionists learn early on to live by the words “I achieve, therefore I am” — and nothing thrills them quite like impressing others (or themselves) with their performance.
Unfortunately, chasing those straight A's — in school, work and life — can lead to a lifetime of frustration and self-doubt.
“The reach for perfection can be painful because it is often driven by both a desire to do well and a fear of the consequences of not doing well,” says psychologist Monica Ramirez Basco. “This is the double-edged sword of perfectionism.”
2. You know your drive to perfection is hurting you, but you consider it the price you pay for success.
The prototypical perfectionist is someone who will go to great (and often unhealthy) lengths to avoid being average or mediocre, and who takes on a “no pain, no gain” mentality in their pursuit of greatness. Although perfectionists aren't necessarily high achievers, perfectionism is frequently tied to workaholism.
“[The perfectionist] acknowledges that his relentless standards are stressful and somewhat unreasonable, but he believes they drive him to levels of excellence and productivity he could never attain otherwise,” Burns writes.
The great irony of perfectionism is that while it's characterized by an intense drive to succeed, it can be the very thing that prevents success. Perfectionism is highly correlated with fear of failure (which is generally not the best motivator) and self-defeating behavior, such as excessive procrastination.
Studies have shows that other-oriented perfectionism (a maladaptive form of perfectionism which is motivated by the desire for social approval), is linked with the tendency to put off tasks. Among these other-oriented perfectionists, procrastination stems largely from the anticipation of disapproval from others, according to York University researchers. Adaptive perfectionists, on the other hand, are less prone to procrastination.
4. You're highly critical of others.
Being judgmental toward others is a common psychological defense mechanism: we reject in others what we can't accept in ourselves. And for perfectionists, there can be a lot to reject. Perfectionists are highly discriminating, and few are beyond the reach of their critical eye.
By being less tough on others, some perfectionists might find that they start easing up on themselves.
“Look not to the faults of others, nor to their omissions and commissions,” the Buddha wisely advised. “But rather look to your own acts, to what you have done and left undone.”
5. You go big or go home. Many perfectionists struggle with black-and-white thinking — you're a success one moment and a failure the next, based on your lastest accomplishment or failure — and they do things in extremes. If you have perfectionist tendencies, you'll probably only throw yourself into a new project or task if you know there's a good chance you can succeed — and if there's a risk of failure, you'll likely avoid it altogether. Studies have found perfectionists to be risk-averse, which can inhibit innovation and creativity.
For perfectionists, life is an all or nothing game. When a perfectionist sets her mind to something, her powerful drive and ambition can lead her to stop at nothing to accomplish that goal. It's unsurprising, then, that perfectionists are at high risk for eating disorders.
6. You have a hard time opening up to other people.
Author and researcher Brene Brown has called perfectionism a “20-ton shield” that we carry around to protect ourselves from getting hurt — but it most cases, perfectionism simply prevents us from truly connecting with others.
Because of their intense fear of failure and rejection, perfectionists often have a hard time letting themselves be exposed or vulnerable, according to psychologist Shauna Springer.
“It is very hard for a perfectionist to share his or her internal experience with a partner,” Springer writes in Psychology Today. “Perfectionists often feel that they must always be strong and in control of their emotions. A perfectionist may avoid talking about personal fears, inadequacies, insecurities, and disappointments with others, even with those with whom they are closest.”
7. You know there's no use crying over spilt milk… but you do anyway. Whether it's burning the cookies or being five minutes late for a meeting, the perfection-seeking tend to obsess over every little mistake. This can add up to a whole lot of meltdowns, existential crises, and grown-up temper tantrums. When your main focus is on failure and you're driven by the desire to avoid it at all costs, even the smallest failure is evidence for a grand thesis of personal failure.
“Lacking a deep and consistent source of self-esteem, failures hit especially hard for perfectionists, and may lead to long bouts of depression and withdrawal in some individuals,” writes Springer.
8. You take everything personally. Because they take every setback and criticism personally, perfectionists tend to be less resilient than others. Rather than bouncing back from challenges and mistakes, the perfectionist is beaten down by them, taking every misstep as evidence for the truth of their deepest, continually plaguing fear: “I'm not good enough.”
9. … And you get really defensive when criticized.
You might be able to pick out a perfectionist in conversation when they jump to defend themselves at even the slightest hint of a criticism. In an effort to preserve their fragile self-image and the way they appear to others, a perfectionist tries to take control by defending themselves against any threat — even when no defense is needed.
10. You're never quite “there yet.”
Because perfection is, of course, an impossible pursuit, perfectionists tend to have the perpetual feeling that they're not quite there yet. Self-described perfectionist Christina Aguilera told InStyle in 2010 that she focuses on all the things she hasn't yet accomplished, which gives her a drive to constantly out-do herself.
“I am an overachiever and an extreme perfectionist,” Aguilera said. “I would like to do more film and I feel that I still have yet to acquire the type of success that I desire. I’m sure there will definitely be a place that I will be at peace with knowing I’ve accomplished a lot.”
11. The image below makes you nervous. 12. You take pleasure in someone else’s failure, even though it has nothing to do with you. 11. The image below makes you nervous.
12. You take pleasure in someone else’s failure, even though it has nothing to do with you.
Misery loves company, and perfectionists — who spend a lot of time and energy thinking and worrying about their own failure — can find relief and even pleasure in others' failures. For a moment, taking pleasure in someone else's shortcomings might make you feel better about yourself, but in the long term, it only reinforces the kind of competitive and judgmental thinking that perfectionists thrive on.
13. You get secretly nostalgic for your school days. Some people hated school, but you loved it, because success was quantifiable — you had assignments, grades, feedback, and a teacher whose job it was to provide positive feedback and a pat on the back for a job well-done. You might have been a teacher's pet, or maybe you were voted “Most likely to succeed” in the yearbook. The structure of school and easy equation of “work hard, do well, be rewarded” is a comfort for most perfectionists. In the real world, success is measured differently. Everything is structured differently. And while you might not ever tell anyone, there’s a part of you that misses that world where it was possible to get an A+ and call it a day.
14. You have a guilty soul. Underneath it all, perfectionists are often plagued by guilt and shame. Maladaptive perfectionism — a drive to perfection that generally has social roots, and a feeling of pressure to succeed that derives from external, rather than internal, sources — is highly correlated with depression, anxiety, shame and guilt.
What a perfectionist child stands to lose
The danger of perfectionism is that it disrupts children's natural curiosity to learn and robs them of the joy they used to feel in the presence of a new discovery, inquiry, or invention. Sadly, these children often become chronic underachievers who are too afraid to take a risk or try anything new.
The following list of behaviors shows how perfectionism creates a loss of this natural, inner drive and motivation to learn. Children who are perfectionists tend to:

• Avoid trying new things for fear of failure;
• Procrastinate and leave work unfinished out of fear it won't be good enough;
• Focus on mistakes, rather than on what they did well;
• Set unrealistic goals and then condemn themselves when they don't achieve them;
• Have trouble accepting criticism;
• Find it hard to laugh at themselves;
• Focus on end products, rather than on the process of learning;
• Approach assignments with an inflexibility that insists on one “right” way to do or be;
• Judge themselves severely whenever they get a grade below an “A”;
• Lose their former enthusiasm for learning because of an obsession with what “good work” should look like; and
• Underachieve because of an inability to complete projects considered less than “perfect.”

 
A number of factors may contribute to perfectionism. Typically, there is a heavy emphasis on performance, both at home and at school. In addition, our society is conditioned to judge one's level of intelligence according to test scores and grades. When young children feel put on display and praised for their achievements, they naturally conclude that their value as people lies in what they can produce. As time passes and the children continue to excel, they feel less free to strike out in new directions and more pressure to get the grades that will ensure everyone's approval.
Even young children may deny themselves permission to make mistakes and may avoid experiences that could show their weaknesses. Often, they hide the gaps in their knowledge because they think they'll disappoint the people who admire them.
The reach for perfection can be painful because it is often driven by both a desire to do well and a fear of the consequences of not doing well. This is the double-edged sword of perfectionism.
It is a good thing to give the best effort, to go the extra mile, and to take pride in one's performance, whether it is keeping a home looking nice, writing a report, repairing a car, or doing brain surgery. But when you feel as though you keep falling short, never seem to get things just right, never have enough time to do your best, are self-conscious, feel criticized by others, or cannot get others to cooperate in doing the job right the first time, you end up feeling bad.
The problem is not in having high standards or in working hard. Perfectionism becomes a problem when it causes emotional wear and tear or when it keeps you from succeeding or from being happy. The emotional consequences of perfectionism include fear of making mistakes, stress from the pressure to perform, and self-consciousness from feeling both self-confidence and self-doubt. It can also include tension, frustration, disappointment, sadness, anger or fear of humiliation. These are common experiences for inwardly focused perfectionists.
The emotional stress caused by the pursuit of perfection and the failure to achieve this goal can evolve into more severe psychological difficulties. Perfectionists are more vulnerable to depression when stressful events occur, particularly those that leave them feeling as though they are not good enough. In many ways, perfectionist beliefs set a person up to be disappointed, given that achieving perfection consistently is impossible. What's more, perfectionists who have a family history of depression and may therefore be more biologically vulnerable to developing the psychological and physical symptoms of major depression, may be particularly sensitive to events that stimulate their self-doubt and their fear of rejection or humiliation.
The same seems to be true for eating disorders, such as anorexia nervosa and bulimia. Several studies have found that even after treatment, where weight was restored in malnourished and underweight women with anorexia, their perfectionist beliefs persisted and likely contributed to relapse. Perfectionism also seems to be one of the strongest risk factors for developing an eating disorder.
Sometimes the pain of perfectionism is felt in relationships with others. Perfectionists can sometimes put distance between themselves and others unintentionally by being intolerant of others' mistakes or by flaunting perfect behavior or accomplishments in front of those who are aware of being merely average. Although they feel justified in their beliefs about what is right and what is wrong, they still suffer the pain of loneliness. Research suggests that people who have more outwardly focused perfectionism are less likely than inwardly focused perfectionists to suffer from depression or anxiety when they are stressed. However, interpersonal difficulties at home or on the job may be more common.
How Did I Get This Way?
There is considerable scientific evidence that many personality traits are inherited genetically. Some people are probably born more perfectionist than others. I saw this in my own children. My oldest son could sit in his high chair, happily playing with a mound of spaghetti, his face covered with sauce. My second son did not like being covered in goo. Instead, he would wipe his face and hands with a napkin as soon as he was old enough to figure out how to do it. As he got a little older, he kept his room cleaner than his brother. When he learned to write he would erase and rewrite his homework until it was “perfect.”
Parents can influence the direction or shape that perfectionism takes. Many perfectionists, especially inwardly focused ones, grew up with parents who either directly or indirectly communicated that they were not good enough. These were often confusing messages, where praise and criticism were given simultaneously. For example, “That was nice, but I bet you could do better.” “Wow, six As and one B on your report card! You need to bring that B up to an A next time.” “Your choir performance was lovely, but that sound system is really poor. We could hardly hear you.”
Unfortunately, with the intention of continuing to motivate their children, these parents kept holding out the emotional carrot: “Just get it right this time and I will approve of you.” Some psychological theories suggest over time the child's need to please her parents becomes internalized, so that she no longer needs to please her parents; she now demands perfection from herself.
Some perfectionists tell stories of chaotic childhoods where they never seemed to have control over their lives. Marital breakups, relocations, financial crises, illnesses and other hardships created an environment of instability. One of the ways in which these people got some sense of order in their otherwise disordered lives was to try to fix things over which they had some control, such as keeping their rooms neat and tidy, working exceptionally hard on schoolwork, or attempting to control their younger brothers and sisters. As adults, however, when their lives were no longer in flux, they may have continued to work hard to maintain control.
Breaking Free
To escape the tyranny of perfectionism, you need to understand and challenge the underlying beliefs that drive you to get things “just right.”
Each of us has a set of central beliefs about ourselves, other people and the world in general and about the future. We use these beliefs or schemas to interpret the experiences in our life, and they strongly influence our emotional reactions. Schemas can also have influence on our choice of actions.
Under every perfectionist schema is a hidden fantasy that some really good thing will come from being perfect. For example, “If I do it perfectly, then…I will finally be accepted…I can finally stop worrying…l will get what I have been working toward…I can finally relax.” The flip side of this schema, also subscribed to by perfectionists, is that “If I make a mistake,” there will be a catastrophic outcome (“I will be humiliated ….I am a failure…I am stupid…l am worthless”).
Changing these schemas means taking notice of the experiences you have that are inconsistent with, contrary to, or otherwise do not fit with them. June, who prides herself on being a “perfect” homemaker and mother, believed with 90 percent certainty that “If I do it perfectly, I will be rewarded.” Yet she does a number of things perfectly that others do not even notice. June would tell herself that there would be a reward from her husband or her children for taking the extra time to iron their clothes perfectly. Her son did not even realize his shirts had been ironed. When Mother's Day came, she got the usual candy and flowers. No special treats or special recognition for her extra efforts.
When June begins to notice the inaccuracy of her schema, she begins to reevaluate how she spends her time. She decides that if it makes her feel good, then she will do it. If it is just extra work that no one will notice, then she may skip it. She is certain that there are some things she does, such as iron the bedsheets, which no one really cares about. As a matter of fact, June herself doesn't really care if the sheets are ironed. However, she does like the feel of a freshly ironed pillow cover, so she will continue that chore. June has modified her schema. Now she believes that “If you want a reward, find a quicker and more direct way to get it.”
If your schema centers around more existential goals, like self-acceptance, fulfillment, or inner peace, then you must employ a different strategy. If you believe that getting things just right in your life will lead to acceptance, then you must not be feeling accepted right now. What are the things you would like to change about yourself? What could you do differently that would make you feel better about who you are? If you can figure out what is missing or needs changing, you can focus your energies in that direction.
Or you may be motivated to take a different, less absolute, point of view. Instead of “I must have perfection before I can have peace of mind,” consider “I need to give myself credit for what I do well, even if it is not perfect.” Take inventory of your accomplishments or assets. Perhaps you are withholding approval from yourself.
If your schema is that other people's opinions of you is a mirror of your self-worth, you must ask yourself if you know when you have done something well, if you are able to tell the difference between a good performance and a poor performance. If you are capable of evaluating yourself, you do not really need approval from others.
In general, you must treat your perfectionist schemas as hypotheses rather than facts. Maybe you are right or maybe you are wrong. Perhaps they apply in some situations, but not in others (at work, but not at home), or with some people, such as your uptight boss, but not with others, such as your new boyfriend. Rather than stating your schema as a fact, restate it as a suggestion. Gather evidence from your experiences in the past, from your observations from others, or by talking to other people. Do things always happen in a way that your schemas would predict? If not, it is time to try on a new belief.
One of my patients described the process as taking out her old eight-track tape that played the old negative schemas about herself and replacing it with a new compact disc that played her updated self-view. This takes some practice, but it is well worth the effort.
Do You Have Perfectionist Beliefs?
Rate the intensity with which you believe each of these statements, with 100 percent indicating complete agreement and 0 percent indicating that you do not believe it at all.
____ I must be perfect or I will be rejected.
____ If I make a mistake, it will be horrible.
____ If I do it perfectly, then I will be accepted.
____ I must be perfect or I will be embarrassed.
____ If I make a mistake, I will be humiliated.
____ When I get it right, I will finally accept myself.
____ When I achieve perfection, I will find inner peace.
____ If I do it perfectly, then it will be rewarded.
____ If others do not approve of me, then I am not OK.
____ If I make a mistake, then I am worthless.
____ I'm not good enough. I must keep trying.
____ I must be perfect or others will disapprove of me.
____ If I do it perfectly, then everything will work out right.
____ I'll never be good enough.
____ If others approve of me, then I must be OK.
____ If I do it perfectly, then everyone will notice.
____ I must be perfect or I will fail.
____ Things should be done the right way.
____ There is a right way and a wrong way to do things.
____ It is possible to do things perfectly.
Perfectionism Tied To Workaholism In New Study
Being highly motivated and a perfectionist may seem like dream attributes in an employee, but a new study suggests they could also backfire by contributing to workaholism.
However, not all kinds of perfectionism are alike when it comes to turning into a workaholic. What University of Kent researchers termed “self-oriented perfectionism,” which is when a person sets incredibly high standards for his or herself, was linked with workaholism, while “socially prescribed perfectionism,” which is when a person believes he or she needs to meet others' high standards to receive acceptance, was not.
“Our findings also suggest that workaholism in self-oriented perfectionists is driven by those types of motivation characterized by personal importance and ego involvement as well as being motivated by internal rewards and punishment,” study researcher Dr. Joachim Stoeber, who is the head of the School of Psychology at the university, said in a statement.
The study, published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences, is based on data from 131 people (comprised of both service employees and students who were working part-time) who were mostly female. All the study participants took tests gauging their perfectionism and work motivation, as well as their workaholism (work addiction).
Researchers found that “employees whose work motivation is characterized by high degrees of congruence and awareness of reasons and goals being in synthesis with the self (identified regulation) and/or by high degrees of self-control and ego-involvement and being motivated by internal rewards and punishments (introjected regulation) are more likely to show elevated levels of workaholism compared to employees whose work motivation displays these characteristics to lower degrees,” they wrote in the study
Ps – If you're ready to take the next step and finally end your battle with food, you're ready for the Society. Click here to apply.